My mother taught me LOGIC ...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck,
you can't go to the store with me."

My mother taught me MEDICINE ...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they're going to freeze that way."

My mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ...
"If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job!"

My mother taught me ESP ...
"Put your sweater on.
Don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE ...
"What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you! ...
Don't talk back to me!"

My mother taught me HUMOR ...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT ...
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me about SEX ...
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS ...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS ...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE ...
"When you get to be my age,
you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION ...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING ...
"You are going to get it
when we get home."

My mother taught me JUSTICE ...
"One day you will have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like you.
Then you'll see what it's like."

~ Author Unknown ~

"Somebody" said...a Mother is an unskilled laborer.
"Somebody" never gave a squirmy infant a bath.
"Somebody" said....you know how to be a Mother by instinct.
"Somebody"never took a three year old shopping.
"Somebody" said....."good" Mothers never yell at their kids.
"Somebody's" child never sent a baseball through
a neighbor's picture window.
"Somebody" said....a Mother can find all the answers
to her child-rearing questions in books.
"Somebody" never had a child stuff beans in her nose.
"Somebody" said....a Mother always adores her children.
"Somebody"never tried to comfort a colicky baby at 3am.
"Somebody" said.....a Mother can do her job with her eyes
closed & one hand tied behind her back.
"Somebody" never organized 7 giggling Brownies into a
cookie-selling brigade.
"Somebody" said...the hardest part of being a Mother is
labor and delivery.
"Somebody" never watched her "baby" get on the bus for
the first day of kindergarten; or on a plane to go to war.
"Somebody" said your mother knows you love her,
so you don't have to tell her.
"Somebody" ISN'T a mother.

Before I was a Mom;
I made and ate hot meals,
I had unstained clothing,
I brushed my hair every day,
I had quiet conversations on the phone,
I slept as late as I wanted and I slept all night long.
Before I was a Mom;
I cleaned my house each day,
I never tripped over toys or forgot lullabies,
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous,
I had never been puked on, pooped on, spit on,
chewed on, peed on, or pinched by tiny fingers.
Before I was a Mom;
I never thought about immunizations,
I never held a screaming child so the doctors could give shots,
I never looked into teary eyes and cried,
I never felt my heart break into pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt,
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
Before I was a Mom;
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down,
I never sat up late hours of the night watching a baby sleep,
I never got up in the middle of the night to make sure everything was okay,
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
Before I was a Mom;
I had complete control of my mind, my thoughts and my body,
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside of my body,
I didn't know that having something so small could make me feel so important,
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache,
the wonderment, or the satisfaction of being a mom.
Before I was a Mom;
I never knew that something so small could effect my life so much,
I never knew that I could love someone so much,
I never knew I would love being a Mom,
I didn't know the bond between a Mother and her child,
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much.
Before I was a Mom.

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a
1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she
spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which
children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold.
2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family,
believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do
things which can't be explained logically.

BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch
spills and clean mud off shoes.

CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always
winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch
of kids who have had the most sugar.

COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption.
2. Mom's other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom
can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that
turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an
oversupply of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases,
reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom,
can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a
carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question
"What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"

FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her
daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which
Mom assigns to a different family member each week,
then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by,
but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic
soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to
consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain
of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic
tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of
putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids
once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready
to go outside.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about
any occasion, including church and funerals.

"JEEEEEEEEZ!": Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything
else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Things belonging to Dad.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish
that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the
seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump
should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys
powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table,
chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six
minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's
papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning
experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom
look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink
once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.
2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can
never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice,
opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to
retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for
kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and
several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat
in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or
clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so
Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after
thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by
Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she
can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum
wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a
fast-food restaurant, a teddybear, a football, wallpaper samples,
a grocery list, and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the
birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child
has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and
warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of
a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear
"the geeky thing."

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner
for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility
bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure
from watching offspring stumble through coarse
reenactment of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely
zipped and snapped performs two important functions:
Protecting children from the cold, and reminding them that
they have to go to the bathroom.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made
of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person
who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always
be sure to be in.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to
swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you
grow up to be "Just like Daddy."

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes
with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans,
permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues,
and wads of gum.

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time
between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already
embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried,
or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.